


WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON THAT PHONE?!

by verystrangehuman



Category: South Park
Genre: Adorable Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Aged-Up Character(s), But Only For Certain People, Crack, Damien Thorn Is Soft, Different Chats, Eric Cartman Gets Therapy, Eventual Kyman, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Heidi Dumped Cartman, Kenny Is A Slut, Kyle Misses Stan, M/M, Out Of Character Eric Cartman, Pip Is Baby, Recreational Drug Use, Sorry Stan Simps And Kinnies, Stan is Emo, Stan is a dick, Why Are They So Mean To Furries?, because ew, but we love him, one universe, the world may never know, they're teenagers what do you expect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verystrangehuman/pseuds/verystrangehuman
Summary: (Currently being rewritten for many reasons)I decided to take all the friend groups in South Park and make separate chats about them.Including but not limited to;The Fires of Pandemonium: Damien, Pip, Estella, Pocket, and (on occasion) KennyCartman You Fat Fuck: Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and (on occasion) ButtersKill All Men And Eat The Rich!: Wendy, Bebe, Heidi (without Cartman, she dumped his ass), Nichole, RedCraig Can I Touch Your Bulgy Wulgy: Craig, Tweek, Token, Clyde, and JimmyBottoms And Subs Unite: Butters, Kyle, Tweek, and StanNot A Phase Mom: Henrietta, Micheal, Firkle, Pete
Relationships: Clyde Donovan/Bebe Stevens, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman, Michael/Pete Thelman, Philip "Pip" Pirrip/Damien Thorn, Red/Heidi Turner, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, Token Black/Nichole Daniels
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	1. I'm in the Hell Chat, Rah tah tah tah Rah tah tah tah

**Author's Note:**

> Warning:  
> Softcore furry porn, that is NOT my art  
> Being mean to furries (I have no problem with Furries myself but y'know...)  
> Kenny McCormick is his own warning  
> So is Estella
> 
> That's about it, enjoy

Damien added Pip, Estella, Pocket, and Kenny to the chat.

Damien: Okay, I did it.

Damien: Will you all stop nagging me now?

Pip: ?

Kenny: Bruh

Kenny: These nicknames are sus tbh

Estella: 1) Why the fuck is Kenny here

Estella: 2) The nicknames are sus, as much as I hate to admit it

Pocket: I-

Pip: Damien what are they saying?

Damien: I have no fucking idea, and personally, I don't think I want to

Kenny changed 5 nicknames

Lenny: Now these names have a NICE COCK!

Twink: ?

Damien? More Like Damnation: Okay, I'm assuming that's Pip, and I will destroy you Kenny

Stink: HA-

Stink: I just saw my new nickname, and I will warn Kenny, he has five FUCKING seconds to run

Stink changed 1 nickname

Baddie : That's better

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Oop-

Twink: What's a twink?

Twink: Why do you have spaggehti in your pocket?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Wtf Kenny

Lenny: No cap I'm getting bad vibes from y'all

Twink: Translation?

Baddie: Nah

Lenny: I'm in the Hell Chat, Rattah tah tah Rattah tah tah

Baddie: Okay, at this point you're just being a cockshit, Kenny

Baddie: Speak in a way that the others understand

Damien? More Like Damnation: This is why I didn't want to make a chat

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: You know what, fuck it

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Oh wisest Chad, and largest fuckboi in the land, teach us your secrets, no cap

Lenny: Yo homies kinda sus, das gucci doe

Lenny: Ima teach you how to snatch puss like the frat boss you are

Baddie: I'm actually really worried for Pocket, sweetie are you ok?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Ye fam, living my best life

Twink: **_It's spreading_**

Damien? More Like Damnation: Kenny what did you do to Pocket

Baddie: Pocket, text me "*" privately if you need help

Lenny: ...

Lenny: Lol, you guys fell for that shit

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Lol

Twink: Oh thank Damien's dad, youre ok

Lenny: Do you go around thanking Satan for things often, Pip?

Damien? More Like Damnation: What the fuck just happened?

Baddie: Pocket just texted that they were doing a strange prank that would only be effective to you, because for some reason neither Pip nor Damein have TikTok

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Yeahhh, he pm'ed me earlier, and asked me to go along with it.

Lenny: On another note, how is it to be the future queen of hell Pip?

Twink: THERE HAS BEEN NO SERIOUS TALK OF A WEDDING

Twink: EXCEPT FOR DAMIEN'S DAD NAGGING HIM ABOUT IT OR WHATEVER, BUT WE ARE LITTERALLY 16!

Lenny: Damien, when are you gon' ask?

Damien? More Like Damnation: Shut up Kenny.

Damien? More Like Damnation: He and I already talked about it a bit, and if/when it happens, there will be no surprise "romantic" gesture of asking. And it'll be when we're both legal adults. We will just kinda come to an agreement of when we both are ready, and a time to marry. Just so there's not pressure on either of us

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: How are you both so perfect, that you just causally talk about how you want to innitate your wedding even with knowledge that it's really far away?

Lenny: Yeah wtf

Lenny: I've never been that comfortable in a relationship

Baddie: That makes one of us

Lenny: 🙄

Twink: We just know that communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship

Damien? More Like Damnation: Yep. If there's one thing my dad taught me, it was how to avoid bringing assholes home

Twink: I doubt Kenny even knows what you're referring to with that one.

Lenny: Yeah, what?

Baddie: What he's saying is Satan is easily susceptible to falling in love with abusive men

Lenny: I didn't take Satan for a masochist

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: lol neither did we

Damien? More Like Damnation: Shut up, and never mention my father's kinks again

Twink: Please

Lenny: Lol whatever, I gotta bounce, Cartman's being a prick on another chat

Lenny: So obviously I gotta get that tea 🍵

Baddie: Fill me in, you whore

Lenny: Only if you give me some deets on what's going on with this lil' group

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Don't

Baddie: I'll consider

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Bitch

Lenny has left the chat

Baddie: On another note

Baddie: I can't help but notice there is no name in this chat

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Oh Satan, please no

Baddie named the chat, "The Fires of Panamonium"

Twink: I don't see much of a problem

Damien? More Like Damnation: That's a Danganronpa referance

Twink: Oh

Twink: Oh no

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: F in the chat for my boy Gundham

Baddie: F

Damien? More Like Damnation: F

Twink: ?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Damien has more culture that Pip confirmed

Twink: :(

Baddie: Pip did you just-

Baddie: DID YOU JUST USE A FUCKING EMOTICON?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: oOp-

Damien? More Like Damnation: Don't fucking talk to him like that

Twink: (-.-)

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: I CAN DO IT TOO

Baddie: NO

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: UwU

Damien? More Like Damnation: PoCkEt Is FuRrY cOnFiRmEd??!!!

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Shit-

Baddie: jwgdwe u

Twink: Furries are the people that put on really costly animal costumes for fun right?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Lol "Costly"

Baddie: OH, NO- DO NOT SHIFT THIS ON HIM

Baddie: YOU'RE A FUCKIN FURRY

Damien? More Like Damnation: Um

Damien? More Like Damnation: Called it 

Twink: Why are you shaming him for his hobby?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: I'M NOT A FURRY

Baddie: Okay Pip, I'm going to send a picture to the chat

Baddie: 

Twink: JGENSSGU

Twink: WHAT THE F*CK

Damien? More Like Damnation: Okay 1) WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO PUT IT IN THE PUBLIC CHAT, I HAVE TO WASH MY EYES OUT NOW

Damien? More Like Damnation: 2) Baby, are you ok? I can come over if you need me to.

Twink: Yes please

Baddie: Anyone notice how Pocket went silent?

Baddie: Just saying, he prolly jerkin it

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: I AM NOT

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: AND I'M NOT A FURRY!

Twink: PLEASE STOP

Twink: I DON'T THINK I LIKE THiS ANYMORE 

Twink has been kicked from the chat

Baddie: Pussy

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: You're fault he left

Damien? More Like Damnation: OKAY NO ONE CARES, JUST BRING THE ONLY PERSON I LIKE BACK

Damien? More Like Damnation: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO, AND I WILL REIGN HELLFIRE ON YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR LIVES IF YOU DON'T GET MY SWEET BABY BACK TO ME

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Damn ok

Baddie added Pip to the chat

Baddie changed 1 nickname

Sweet Baby: I'm not even angry that you guys brought me back

Sweet Baby: Only because Damien loves me

Damien? More Like Damnation: Obviously, also, I'm at your door let me in

Baddie: Pocket, you lonely yet?

Baddie: Or do you have a nice furry Roblox GF?

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: YUEBXUWGYX

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Furry. You. Cunt.

Baddie: But you play Roblox...

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: NO I DON'T

Sweet Baby: But you didn't deny it the first timm

Damien? More Like Damnation: Facts

Baddie: See

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: Why are you so mean to me

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket: On another note, my mum just called me down for dinner

When You Fall And Yo Spaggehti Fall Out Yo Pocket has left the chat

Baddie: Ya bitch gonna get her nails done

Baddie: Bye hoes

Sweet Baby: Have fun!

Baddie has left the chat

Damien? More Like Damnation has left the chat

Sweet Baby has left the chat


	2. I can never tell if you guys are actually fucking, or if the bromance is just that strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's really OOC, because I wanted this to be more than just talking about conformists, and how much life sucks, but I tried my best, and here I give you, The Goth Kids (know I said I'd do the main boys, but I really wasn't feeling like it)

Not A Phase Mom

Child: Can someone explain to me what the fuck Ike means when he calls me a "Smol bean"

Pete Wence From My Chemical Romance: It means you are treasured, innocent and to be protected, kick his ass

Pete Wence From My Chemical Romance: MICHEAL STOP FUCKING CHANGING MY NAME

I'm Not In A Bathroom: No.

Dominatrix: Why do you feel the need to keep subtly reminding me that I was emo for like a day in grade school.

Dominatrix: It was cringe, I know

Dominatrix: Lets forget about it

Child: Nah

Pete Wence From My Chemical Romance: Not a chance

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Sorry, not sorry, Henri

Dominatrix: I knew that wouldn't work but it was worth a try I guess.

Pete Wence From My Chemical Romance changed 1 nickname

Pee: I wanna get drunk

Dominatrix: Well, I can't help with that, but Firkle can probably get some from that Canadian boy he's simping for

Child: There are so many things wrong with that statement

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Stop pretending you're not simping for him

Child: I don't need to explain the heterosexuality to me and Ike's relationship to you

Pee: Mhm, simp

Dominatrix: SIMP

I'm Not In A Bathroom: My parents are gone for the weekend, they left the liquer cabinet unlocked

Pee: Micheal, I am in need of cheap liquer to mix with my coffee

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Beg for it

Child: Or don't

Dominatrix: I can never tell if you guys are actually fucking, or if the bromance is just that strong

Child: And I don't want to know

Pee: Please, Mikey. Let me into your house, so I can get shitfaced. I promise I'll make it up to you...

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Okay, you wanna come too, Henri?

Child: I want to come

Pee: Firkle, you're twelve

Child: I don't even have to drink! I just wanna get the fuck out of the house!

Dominatrix: I'll be there, but it's not a question of "will you be drinking?", it's the question of, "do I want this child to know what drunk people act like?"

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Not to mention, being around drunk people really isn't fun unless you're drunk too

Pee: And I really don't want you witnessing the slutty shit I do when I'm shitfaced

Pee: I'm also your brother, and I need you to know that being drunk is overrated. I do it because I always do really dumb shit, and having people explain the dumb shit you did after you come down is really funny.

Child: Yeah, Yeah.

Child: I bet I could sleep over at Ike's house or some shit

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Sounds pretty gay

Child: I'M NOT GAT FOR HIM, STOP!!!

I'm Not In A Bathroom: I didn't say you were gat, I said you were gay

Child: Die.

I'm Not In A Bathroom: When and where?

Pee: Same

Dominatrix: Same

Child: Same, but still

Child: I'm not gay for him

Dominatrix: Press X to doubt

Dominatrix: But I get it, you can say it when you're ready.

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Yeah

Child: I guess that's the bast I'm gonna get from you assholes

Pee: Micheal, can I come over now? My mom's being a whore.

Child: So you're just gonna leave me here to deal with her?

Pee: You know she actually like's Ike, I bet you could just go and leave a note

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Yeah, whatever, Henri when are you coming?

Dominatrix: You got food?

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Nothing good, but I have weed and some money for takeout.

Dominatrix: Now then.

Pee: Open the fuckin door.

I'm Not In A Bathroom: Why do you always bang so loud?

Pee: Because your parents have money for more than three bedrooms, and I never know where the fuck you are, so I need to make sure you hear me no matter what, but besides that, just open the door.

Dominatrix: Pete's all like

Dominatrix: LET ME IN

Dominatrix: LET ME IIIIIINNNNN

Child: Basically

I'm Not In A Bathroom: You're hopeless

Pee: I'm also hopeless

Child: Yes, we are all hopeless, no need to remind us Micheal

Dominatrix: Open up hoes

Child: I'm going to Ike's house

Child: I hate you guys

Pee: Bye, you little shit

Dominatrix: Bye

Child has left the chat

Pee has left the chat

I'm Not In A Bathroom has left the chat

Dominatrix has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that this took way too long to be this short, but I've been going through some shit...
> 
> Thank you for reading anyway, and I promise, the chapters will not always be this short.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @verystrangehuman


	3. Whatever you do don't look it up 😉

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention that there is fanfiction about the characters in this universe, because of all the times they've been on the news, and talk shows and shit...  
> TW:   
> Kyle in Chains  
> Way more Kyman content than I meant for there to be  
> Drunk Stan being and asshole  
> Kenny being a little pervy  
> OOC Cartman (Went to therapy in this AU, so, if that's not ur thing...)

Cartman You Fat Fuck

Cart: Stan get your hipster ass over here

Legal Sex Offender: Oop-

Come On Fuck Off Emo Boy: What

Kyle Out Of Chains: Why do you keep renaming me this

Cart: Don't what me, you need to fuckin pay me off for that bet before you get drunk.

Come On Fuck Off Emo Boy: No

Come On Fuck Off Emo Boy: ALready drink

Kyle Out Of Chains: For fuck's sake dude

Legal Sex Offender: Don't waste your energy Kyle

Come On Fuck Off Emo Boy: Why aree you alwayd on my bacl

Kyle Out Of Chains: We are not having the conversation on a fucking group chat, call me when you're not drunk.

Kyle Out Of Chains: Or don't whatever's more fucking convenient, huh?

Cart: Shit, man

Come On Fuck Off Emo Boy: Whu are youi so agressib abouht tis?

Kyle Out Of Chains kicked 1 person from the chat.

Cart: What's got your panties in a twist?

Kyle Out Of Chains: Shut up, asshole.

Kyle Out Of Chanis: I just miss Stan. Like from when he wasn't a drunk asshole, who's most likely going to throw his whole fucking life away. I wish things were normal. None have us have ever just had a normal life, y'know? Like, I've never been able to say, "the worst thing in my life right now is that I can't get a girlfriend". I just wish I could grab my mom's car and drive away from this fucked up, hillbilly, godforsaken town. But I can't because every time I try to get out something brings me back

Kyle Out Of Chains: Anyway, that's my mental breakdown material for the day.

Cart: It's understandable wanting to get out of here, I think all of us have thought about that. And about Stan, it's really not your problem. I'm not going to say, "Just stop caring about him" because that's unrealistic, but you have to know what you can help with, and what you can't. And at this point, it doesn't seem like you can help

Legal Sex Offender: Also, it may just be me, but you seem to be more stressed lately, and I know how much you care about Stan, but really- if the fucker wants to throw his life away, that's not your problem. And it affecting you this much has me thinking that maybe it's too much on you. And if it's making you feel this bad, you really can't let it get to you. I'm sorry to say it, but you might have to distance yourself, or just cut him off

Kyle Out Of Chains: That's actually really insightful, wtf

Cart: I have been going to therapy, after all

Legal Sex Offender: And I've helped many sex workers out of fucked up situations

Cart: I'm going to ask you this one more time, are you a pimp, or do you somehow have the money to get a prostitude?

Kyle Out Of Chains: I also would like to know

Legal Sex Offender: Neither, I just hang around ur mom a lot

Kyle Out Of Chanis: lol

Cart: Fuck you

Cart: And here I was thinking we were having a moment

Kyle Out Of Chains: Gay

Legal Sex Offender: Same

Cart: Dude, didn't you say you were pandasexual?

Legal Sex Offender: Y'know what, I'm not going to take the bait

Kyle Out Of Chains: Speaking of...

Kyle Out Of Chains: Can we open a private chat, I have to talk to u Kenny

Legal Sex Offeneder: Sure, one sec

Kenny + Kyle private message

Kenny: So what's up?

Kyle: I think I'm gay??

Kenny: Called it, but do you need help figuring out your identity? Or just with gay shit, cause I can do both.

Kyle: Well, I just thought it might be nice to talk to someone about it?

Kenny: Ok, what exactly is "it" in this situation?

Kyle: Well... I just

Kyle: So my whole life I've liked girls, or, I thought I did, but really I don't think I did, because I have no interest in them romantically anymore... And then there's the whole thing with this one guy I met at camp on sixth grade, and we didn't like fuck or anything, but kissing him was so much better than any girl. And then there's a guy I really like right now, but he's not an option.

Kyle: Re-reading that, I don't know how I ever thought I was straight.

Kenny: Haha, that was pretty gay, my guy, but who is this mystery man??

Kyle: Not telling you that preferably not telling anyone that. Ever.

Kenny: Well, if it's who I think it is, you may have a chance. But I won't meddle unless you ask me too

Kyle: You clearly have no idea but, we can go back to main now

Kenny: K

Cartman You Fat Fuck

Cart: Assholes

Cart: Come back

Cart: Come back

Cart: Come back

Cart: Come back

Kyle Out Of Chains: Stop fucking spaming

Cart: Stop fucking leaving me out of conversations🤔

Legal Sex Offender: Nah

Kyle Out Of Chains: Belive it or not, Cartman, not everything I say, is something you need to know

Legal Sex Offender: Cartman be like, ArE yOu SuRe AbOuT tHaT

Cart: Screw you guys

Kyle Out Of Chans: Anyway, what the fuck does my name mean, and why do you keep changing it?

Cart: Wouldn't you like to know

Legal Sex Offender: Whatever you do don't look it up 😉

Cart: KENNY SHUT THE FUCK UP

Kyle Out Of Chanis: What?

Kyle Out Of Chains: Why?

Cart: Just don't

Legal Sex Offender: You know that telling him not to makes it look worse for you, right?

Kyle Out Of Chains: WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF🤢🤮

Kyle Out Of Chains changed 1 nickname

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: WHY WAS THAT CREATED, WHY DID YOU READ IT- WHAT THE FUCK

Cart: How the fuck did you read it that fast?

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: I DIDN'T!! I READ ONE CHAPTER!!

Legal Sex Offender: Sometimes one chapter is enough to give you trama😎

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Question

Legal Sex Offender: Yes?

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Why the fuck did the Cartman in that call himself "Chef"? Chef didn't deserve that.

Cart: Idk, I didn't write it

Legal Sex Offender named the chat, "The We Hate Kyle In Chains Club"

Cart: If it's called that we have to add Kyle's dildo brother, and Heidi

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: YOU SHOWED IT TO MY BROTHER?!

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: AND HEIDI???

Legal Sex Offender: Well, actually Ike found it before any of us, and told Heidi because he thought you two were dating

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: When was it written? When did you read it??

Cart: It was finnished around when we were in Ninth grade, and Ike foud it last year

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Oh god.

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Wait- did Stan read it?

Legal Sex Offender: Probably, Ike did tell all of us I don't know if he actually read it though

Cart: Not to mention, if he did read it back then, he's probably killed enough braincells to forget it🍾🥂🍷

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Not funny

Cart: Understood

Legal Sex Offender: Are you ok, dude? I know it's a lot to take in.

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: I think I'm okay- I have to talk to Ike, y'know to ask him why he didn't tell me and shit- but uhh. As long as nobody told anyone else about it, before- I'm hoping they won't now?

Cart: Anyway- does anyone have some specific people they're simping for?🙃

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Like I'd tell you

Legal Sex Offender: Butters

Cart: Ooh~😏 Do tell

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: He probably likes you too, he's been following you around since fourth grade, go for it.

Legal Sex Offender: That's the thing I can't just go for it, because 1) for the first time in a while I actually want more than sex from someone and 2) it's Butters, I have to go about it slowly, and with care... I don't want him to think I only want to fuck him. Y'know?

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Damn, Ken

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: You're whipped

Cart: Seriously whipped, dude

Legal Sex Offender: How could I not be? Have you seen that little angel?

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Ew, you guys are going to be so much PDA and lovey dovey fluff🙄

Legal Sex Offender: You'll understand when you find the one

Cart: Doubtful🤭

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: HEY!

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: Just because I've never had a girlfriend, doesn't mean I never will!

Cart: Mhmmm. Sure Kyle

Legal Sex Offender: Don't be a dick Cartman

Cart: At least I have a dick

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: What's that s'posed to mean? Are you trying to set me up for another "get the sand out of your vagina" joke?

Legal Sex Offender: Yeah, dude- do you not remember? We took baths together as todlers, I'm pretty sure we all have dicks

Cart: Ugh. Don't bring that up Kenny it's gay

Legal Sex Offender: Well conveniently, I'm very gay 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

Cart: Screw you

Legal Sex Offender: I don't do hookups anymore, sorry

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: 😂

Cart: I hate you guys

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: I hate you too, asshole 🖤

Cart: ...

Legal Sex Offender: That was kinda gay, Kyle...

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, AND YOU KNOW IT

Legal Sex Offender: I feel like we've had a lot of very gay moments today, and I'm proud of us

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: SHUT UP KENNY

Cart: njkauedh wibf 

Legal Sex Offender: Cartman is buffering

I Will Never See A Zuchini The Same: I hate you stop

Cart: I'm okay now.

Cart: And I hate you more, Jew❤️

Legal Sex Offender: 😶

Legal Sex Offender changed 2 names

Kyle's Bromance: What did you change them to?

Kyle's Bromance: You're such a cuck, Kenny

Cartman's Bromance: I second that

Legal Sex Offender: Yeah, well you still haven't changed them so...

Cartman's Bromance changed 2 names

Kyle: There

Cartman: Better

Legal Sex Offender: Damn, fine hoes

Legal Sex Offender: I gotta bounce, it's late

Legal Sex Offender left the chat

Kyle: Bye, Fattass

Cartman: Bye Kyle~

Kyle: Gross, Goodnight

Kyle has left the chat

Cartman has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII I GOT SO MUCH INSPIRATION, TO WRITE THESE ASSHOLES- SO I DID I HOPE THIS MAKES UP FOR THE LAST CHAPTER BEING VERY SMALL
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the Kyman, if you hate Kyman why did you read this?  
> Speaking of, I am not going to respond to any comments about the ship being toxic, BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S FUCKING TOXIC, I USE TOXIC SHIPPING TO COPE WITH THE FACT THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH MY BULLY WHO IS A HUGE ASSHOLE, IT HELPS ME FEEL LESS ALONE, AND I KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE CANNON, AND I KNOW THAT KYLE IS CANNONLY STRAIGHT
> 
> Anyway, moving on from that, My tumblr is @verystrangehuman  
> Also, Please comment if there's anything that stood out to you, good or bad, I want to know your thoughts!


	4. I FUCKED CTHULHU GOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Slight homophobia (unintentional, and Clyde said sorry after it was explained, so ye)  
> Mentions of Kyman

Craig Can I Touch Your Bulgy Wulgy?

Cool Dude: I changed everyone's name

Broken: Why

Broken: Also, you were really struggling with my name, huh?

Cool Dude: Shut

Caffinated Twink: Haha

Caffinated Twink: Yo- wtf

Cool Dude: lol

Slim Jim: You fuckin' stole that from me, Clyde

Broken: Call the cops for art theft, Jimmy

Tsundere: Shut the fuck up

Tsundere: Clyde wtf

Cool Dude: Because, you're mean, but you love us 👉👈🥺

Tsundere: Incorrect, I love Tweek

Tsundere: You guys just came in the package

Cool Dude: U were friends with us before you started dating Tweek??

Caffinated Twink: I'm sorry to go against you here, Sweetie- but that is true...

Tsundere: Tweek, I'm hurt!

Caffinated Twink: No you're not, I'm sitting right next to you, and you're smirking at your phone

Broken: Exposed

Slim Jim: Why are you guys so cute

Cool Dude: Is it just me, or have you never seen a gay couple that weren't happy??

Tsundere: That's because you don't know any other gay couples personally, dickface

Caffinated Twink: Also, it's not okay to just put us all in a group, even if you're saying something more complimenting, we're not all one unit... And there are plenty of gay people with relationship problems, because there are plenty of people with relationship problems, we're not a separate group from you because you like vagina

Tsundere: Also true

Cool Dude: Oh, I didn't realize, I apologize.

Slim Jim: And I oop-

Tsundere: After conferring with Tweek, we have decided to forgive you

Broken: You got off lucky this time, remember last time you said something homophobic?

Slim Jim: HE WAS LITTERALLY CRYING INTO TWEEKS ARM LOL

Cool Dude: I said that on purpose that time, and I deserved it

Broken: No one said you didn't

Caffinated Twink: I was bored and kinda horny-

Tsundere: Figured I'd pick up a book

Broken: You need to stop doing lyric pranks on our chat, go to Stan's chat or some shit

Slim Jim: FOUND THE NECRONOMICON

Caffinated Twink: Thought that I should take a look

Cool Dude: I kind of want to hear them out on this one

Tsundere: I did the chants

Slim Jim: I DID THE DANCE

Caffinated Twink: And much to my surprise

Broken: STOP

Tsundere: I'd found an ancient diety

Slim Jim: WITH TENTICLES

Tsundere: And glowing eyes

Cool Dude: What happened? I need to know

Caffinated Twink: He poured some wine

Slim Jim: AND SAID "LET'S HAVE SOME FUN~"

Broken: Oh god

Tsundere: And now Cthuhlu knows why they call me, "The Deep One"~

Cool Dude: Pics or it didn't happen

Slim Jim: I FUCKED CTHUHLU GOOD!

Broken: That was the best way that song could have ended, actually

Tsundere: Are you happy, now Tweek

Caffinated Twink: Absolutely, thank you Craig

Slim Jim: I helped, where's my thank you?

Caffinated Twink: You were not the one I asked to help, though, you don't get a thanks

Slim Jim: When did Tweek get savage??

Broken: Were you living under a rock, Jimmy?

Tsundere: That was not savage, compared to some of the shit he's said about Cartman and those assholes

Cool Dude: Oop-

Caffinated Tweek: I don't say things about Kenny though, he's cool

Tsundere: Kenny's okay, he's not cool, just okay

Broken: Why have you been hanging out with the enemy?

Cool Dude: To think our Kings are traitors

Slim Jim: Does this mean we get to have a Revelution

Cool Dude: NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION, BITCHES

Broken: Clyde, that slogan does not fit in this scenario

Slim Jim: I screenshotted that

Caffinated Tweek: There will be no uprisings, confering with enemy nations is part of a king's duty. Would you rather they declare war on us? We have to keep the peace.

Tsundere: Exactly, someone has to do it, and Kenny is the only one who's not, an alcoholic, Eric Cartman, or someone sharing extreme sexual tension with Eric Cartman

Caffinated Twink: Kyle's the real tsundere here, lol

Broken: ...What...

Slim Jim: Spill that tea, Craig

Cool Dude: They hate each other?????

Caffinated Twink: Yeah, but you saw them at lunch yesterday, right?

Slim Jim: OH MY GOD, I THOUGHT BEBE WAS KIDDING

Cool Dude: Why did my girlfriend tell you, and not me?

Broken: Explain.

Tsundere: Okay, so Kyle and the peice of shit are sitting next to each other (which that haven't done since fucking Kindergarten) and they're giving each other these glances, which they probably thought were subtle, they were not. And they start arguing.

Caffinated Twink: But they're not looking at each other like they want to rip each other's heads off and play volley ball with them, they're smiling. And then they give each other this look, and burst out laughing. I have no idea what happened there, but it was not straight

Broken: Gross.

Cool Dude: Well at least they won't be as loud, and angry all the time

Slim Jim: I'm really hoping that they aren't all fucking sweet to each other, and really into PDA

Tsundere: Oh god, I hope not

Caffinated Twink: I mean, Cartman's such a fucking attention whore, I really don't think we'll be lucky with that.

Tsundere: We can hope and pray for them to be decent

Broken: When have they ever been decent in their entire lives?

Cool Dude: They haven't, but I really hope they will be for once

Slim Jim: We can always hope

Caffinated Twink: I just don't wan't yall being disappointed when they're humping each other on the school lockers the day they come out

Tsundere: Gross, don't ever say that again please

Broken: Did not need that mental image

Slim Jim: Can we talk about something else, before I actually puke

Cool Dude: Please

Caffinated Twink: Alright, anything else chat worthy happen?

Cool Dude: I'm failing Math

Tsundere: I think Tweek meant something new

Broken: I can help you study, but I'm not letting you cheat off of me, you're terrible at it

Cool Dude: Thank you so much Token, have I told you I love you lately?

Broken: No, but if you start I'll take back the studying thing

Slim Jim: MY DICK FELL OFF-

Caffinated Twink: I thought that only happened to Trans guys, and Lesbians?

Slim Jim: You've been waiting to say that since you saw that Vine, huh?

Caffinated Twink: Yes.

Tsundere: What if I did something bad...

Slim Jim: Do it

Cool guy: DO IT

Broken: What

Caffinated Twink: OH GOD I KNOW I WILL REGRET THIS, BUT DO IT

Tsundere: K, I did it

Broken: Oh god why

Tsundere: That's what you fuckin get for calling me a tsundere, now get over there

Tsundere has left the chat

Caffinated Twink has left the chat

Cool Guy has left the chat

Slim Jim has left the chat

Broken has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT DID CRAIG DO???? YOU WILL HAVE TO SEE IN THE NEXT DUMBASS CHAPTER I CHURN OUT EITHER REALLY FUCKING FAST OR REALLY SLOW OF THIS CRACKCHAT SAGA
> 
> (ALSO I WILL BE WRITING THE GIRLS AFTER THE NEXT CHAPTER, BUT I'VE KINDA BEEN STALLING, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WILL PLAY OUT)
> 
> AS ALWAYS MY TUMBLR IS @verystrangehuman  
> AND I LIVE FOR COMMENTS
> 
> ALSO IT'S ALMOST 3AM AND I AM ADHD AND CAFFEINATED (DON'T WORRY IT'S TURKEY DAY BREAK, AND SATURDAY)

**Author's Note:**

> This was really fun to write, the next chapter is going to be the main boys, so watch out for that, but don't worry, I will make more about our beautiful hellish babies
> 
> If you enjoyed, please talk to me on Tumblr @verystrangehuman (my profile pic is a worm on a string with legs), I would like to get to know you guys
> 
> Or comment on what you thought of the new Borat movie, if you've seen it, the people of Kazakhstan need to know.


End file.
